I looked back at my last post -- it's been a while since I was here! Things have obviously been going well . . . nothing to vent about, nothing to ponder out loud . . . so why am I here today? Well, I was almost here a couple of weeks ago, to wonder with awe how long it would last!! Now here I am today.

Just when things were going well, were fairly uncomplicated, and I was happy where things were going, it seems like it's threatening to fall off the rails. Now -- the first thing I wonder . . . is it really, or am I just afraid it will!!?? I know I try to fend off problems before they actually become problems, but that doesn't always serve me well. This is part of the problem!!

First of all, I've been meeting a few guys, and one in particular caught my interest. It's a long story, but in the end we spent a night together and didn't actually do anything! I'm actually quite okay with that . . . it was right for both of us. But what I struggle with lately is the person I want to be. I've talked before about being the type that leaves some sort of mark in the world, a legacy . . . . . but I don't think I want it to be one that says "look at this gal . . . . she had a record number of partners after 39!!" Ultimately I'm looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. I can handle being with at least one Mr. Right Now so I can say I've experienced something outside of my last 20-year relationship, and so I know I've still got some sex appeal!

Besides this one guy, I've been attracting some other men too . . . one of which is my ex-husband. This is where it gets complicated.

I've had a pretty long road to get to where I am, mentally. Lots of things have been said, regretted, and not apologized for -- on both our parts. Throughout this whole time I've been sure that my faith will take me where I'm supposed to go. But I guess I never actually thought about what it would be like if he came back. I knew/know it wouldn't be easy, but now that we just may be on the cusp of that, it's scaring the crap out of me. I may be totally over-thinking this, but we've been together a couple of times now, and it begs the question . . . . . . why.

He says that he's trusting that fate will take him where he wants to go. I've said that too. Problem comes when there's baggage behind both of us, and I definitely know we just can't leave it there. My experience has taught me that it comes out eventually, whether you want it to or not!

I guess then, I'll go with what I DO know. I know that I don't need anyone in my life, that I want someone in my life. I know that I can do it on my own if I have to, but that I don't want to. I know that I have to rely on people around me to help, and that I just have to ask and they'll be there. I know that I've been strong enough to get through things in the past and if I have to I can do that again.

But I also know that I don't want to take on someone else's burdens. I don't want to deal with their crap!!! But if that crap affects me, then how do I just not care? Or just let them have their crap and carry on???! I just don't know if I can do that.

So, I'll go with what I know and concentrate on that for now. One day at a time. Whether I worry about it or not, will will happen! Or it won't. I'll just stay here and breathe . . .