Well, we're on the tail end of another year. I'm sitting here with potluck-fog (my newly-coined term, meaning the too-full-tummy combined with trying-to-stay-awake-brain) and pondering what the new year will mean to me in the upcoming months.

I did something pretty definitive last night that will likely affect things . . . I gave my wedding rings back to my ex-husband, along with the letters he'd written me over the years -- most of them when we were first going together and shortly after we were married. I have to be clear that this wasn't done with spite, and it wasn't meant to insult him or anything along that line. I discovered a few weeks ago that I was holding onto this hope that we might still get back together, and I didn't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to move on, and after discussing it with my counsellor and a couple of close friends, this would really help me do that. I guess to me the rings are a true symbolism of what marriage is . . . an endless circle, made of a material that is hard-wearing. I wrote him a short letter to go with these things, so he knew where I was coming from, and why I was returning them to him.

I knew over the past 6 months or so I had these two definite sides to me . . . one that was done with his crap and ready to move on . . . and one that would take him back in a minute. I created those two sides and it let me start to heal. But on the two-year anniversary of his "separation statement" I realized that he hasn't changed at all, and that he's not willing to have someone in his life like before. He thinks he's willing (and ready) but I know him well enough to see that he's in a holding pattern, and that he knows what he DOESN'T want, but doesn't know what he DOES want. Not truly, and not in a long-term thinking kind of way.

So then, I discovered that the side of me that was willing to take him back, wasn't so willing anymore. I'm not willing to be a doormat. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself anymore. I'm not willing to give love to someone who isn't willing to take the big chances in life and love. I just need to be me again.

Part of that was giving back the rings and letters, since they symbolize things that are in the past, and I don't want those reminders around anymore. I'm way too sentimental to sell the rings and burn the letters (although both would have been fun and likely therapeutic) but the other hope I have is that he'll realize who he wants to be. I still care about him to a degree since he's the father of my children, and I want the best for him. If I'm not the best for him, then I want him to be able to find himself so he can find someone else. I think his true self is buried deep inside and I'm hoping those letters, if he even reads them again, will remind him of the person he is, and the person he wants to be. Fundamentally I don't think people change (meaning their morals, values, and deep-seated goals) but they do evolve/change with the changes around them. He doesn't like the result of those changes, and no one deserves to feel like that.

As far as I'm concerned, I already feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I knew I wanted to go into the new year with a sense of simplicity, of less (not more) and with renewed confidence. So even though it's not January 1 yet I can truly say I'm on the right path!! At least the right path for me.