I'm tired of winter! Today, after a few bright and sunny days, it's drab and lightly snowing again. I think I mentioned before that I know why I live here . . . the cold and blowy days of winter are eventually replaced by water running, sunshine and the birds singing. You know it's coming -- but when it keeps flipping back and forth it's exasperating! It's supposed to warm up again to stay, later in the week . . . . I'll hold out for that.

The last week or so I feel like I've finally decided to give up on my husband. I know I've talked about having faith things will happen as they should, but at the same time I'm the kind of person that holds onto the hope that things will turn out for the better. Separation and divorce is never a good thing if you ask me . . . . people get hurt, they have major changes in their lives that affect everyone around them, and they no longer have a secure relationship that transcends everything else. I do believe, though, that if the pros for separation and divorce number more than the cons, then it's the right way to go.

I've been thinking about why I want to give up -- I like to see results. I like to see things progress and not go stagnant. Problem is, the relationship with my husband is stagnant . . . he's not willing to entertain the thought that things could be better than ever, and that he can still be himself. He's still in the stage where he has himself as the focus. Unfortunately a relationship doesn't sustain itself without input and focus from both people.

So I have to let him focus and do his thing. I hope that eventually he'll realize what's really happening in his life and really think about what he wants -- he tends to push things aside and not deal with them, I've learned. If he just did this with me I'd say, yep . . .we're not supposed to be together, we aren't working. But he does this in nearly every area of his life, and I'm not sure he realizes it yet. If he does, he's pushing that aside too because it will be so much work to deal with it. I can see how much work it is, but it's his life . . . . . it's not going anywhere!!! It will always be lurking there, waiting to be dealt with.

On the other hand, I'm not at the stage that I have all these personal things to work out for myself. Okay, I'll always have something to work on -- to me a person has to always work on themselves in some way or they become complacent and blind. But I've come a long way in the past year, accepted so many things about myself and started to move on.

I'm going to see my counsellor next week, it's been a few months since I was there. I needed a break to process all the things I'd been dealing with, and I'm going again I guess to keep her in the loop. Let her know where I'm at, and ask a professional opinion on how she thinks I'm doing. With this counsellor I've determined that her main job is to help me explore myself, let me talk, get it all out. But is that usually all there is to it? I've seen movies (probably way too many) where the person is laying on the couch, and the shrink has all these mind-boggling statements about what they're suffering from, and what they need to work on to get better. Is that only for psychopaths and and obsessive-compulsive hoarders? I guess I'll find out.

So, I've decided like the season changes, the season will change with my marriage if it's going to. I'm waiting for the sign . . . waiting for the birds to start singing again and the sun to shine. The seasons are predictible, you can depend on them. People, not so much . . . I've learned it's a dangerous thing to assume anyone will be there without question. And if my marriage doesn't come into it's new season, I'll carry on anyway. Spring will arrive one way or another!