Wow, how time flies. Seems like it's been forever since I was here . . . but it also seems like I'm only here when I have something to express and clarity to confirm. It shouldn't be that way -- I should come here regularly, get stuff off my brain, and stop thinking about it. Shouldn't I?? I guess whatever works, works. I think I'm finally learning that I have to just let things be.

The last couple of months have been a breath of fresh air. Something clicked a while back and the pieces started to re-align again for me. For us. It is by no means over, but at least I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm usually a light-seeker, and it's been a real challenge to stay that way at times. It's been a true test of my self, of whether that's really me. And it is . . . I'm more sure of that than ever.

What I'm also sure of is my commitment to my husband. He's in a dark place right now that I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand yet, but I want to help -- like I always do. The difference now is that I think he may be receptive to help. It's taken me years to realize that I don't have to do everything myself, I can accept help from others . . . and it has been a rough road letting go. But I can't let go of the need to help him, and whether it's my commitment, my love, or some form of dependency, I'm here for him. I believe that this must truly be what keeps couples strong through the years -- it's not that you cling to each other for fear you'll lose them. It's not that you can't stand to be alone. It's not that you have no one else. You have a bond that transcends everything else around you. It's the glue that keeps you together yet frees you to do so much more. While it binds you in some ways, it enables you in others. At least it should.

It makes me wonder if at some point in every long-term relationship, you have to figure out how to achieve the balance between "us" and "me". Maybe that simply comes with maturity, and hopefully it doesn't always require the threat of separation, but does everyone go through this? The more I talk to people about their relationships the more I learn that everyone goes through periods where things aren't rosy and bright. It's normal. But there is something not quite right in our situation, and I hope we can address it. If it means another rough period, I'm prepared for that. . . . I just want my husband back. I think he wants to be back too, but doesn't know how to get there. Maybe he doesn't even realize where he's gone? Something tells me he knows, but is scared to admit it, scared to trust, scared of being rejected.

So . . . . I'll keep being here. I'll keep showing him my love, until the doubt has diminished for him as well. Doubt will always be here, but it doesn't have to rule our lives.