It's only been a few weeks since I was here last time . . . I guess how long it's been doesn't matter. What does matter is that I feel I can use this blog as a kind of therapy, somewhere I can put down what's going through my mind, and just re-reading what I write helps me to keep things in perspective. It's interesting reading it, going back to the first post months ago and seeing where my head was at at that time.

I'm in yet a different place today. My husband and I had a good talk last night, and even though it put us in bed after midnight it was well worth staying up for. I realized, even though I've thought about it before, that he really doesn't feel like he can totally share himself with me. He thinks I should be asking him stuff . . . . well he doesn't even realize it, but I've been asking all along. I've been sharing my thoughts about things for years, inviting his thoughts on subjects, his input on situations and decisions, but he's often held back. He's now reaping the results of that, seeing the effect it's had -- and it's not a great thing to go through from what I can see.

I don't think that either of us knows why he's done this, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with something that's happened way before I came into his life. I've tried and tried and tried to explain my reasoning on things, why I want his input, why I want him there, why . . . and asked and asked and asked . . . and yet he hasn't trusted me enough to totally be honest and open with me. There are so many incidents I don't know where to start. He felt he had to hide his smoking from me. He didn't tell me he was having doubts about his fidelity. He didn't feel he could tell me he was having trouble in one of his jobs. These things, and many others, tell me that he didn't feel secure enough in our relationship that he could share his feelings . . . that he doubted that I would stand by him regardless of what happened. The thing is, thinking back -- he did this right from the beginning of our relationship. It wasn't something that he got into the habit of doing over time, and that's why I think it has to do with whatever happened in his childhood and how he was raised. I get the feeling, though, that he wouldn't even consider that that's the case; he hasn't stepped back enough and opened his mind to the possibility yet. If he has, it's just this tiniest doubt; he's still doing the blame game and that has to play itself out before he sees that his perception . . . while it is HIS perception . . . isn't necessarily the way it is for everyone else. 

Lord knows I've had my perception altered, and it spurs me to be a better person, a better mother, a better friend, a better co-worker. It's been quite jarring at times, but it's very necessary. I firmly believe a person doesn't learn without making mistakes -- in all areas of life. You have to trust yourself and those around you to accept what's happened and move on . . . and it hasn't been easy. I tend to have verbal diarrhea so over the years I know I've shared so much with my husband . . . and at the same time I know there's stuff I haven't shared because deep down inside I have doubts that it might not be accepted and he wouldn't still love me just the same. You have to trust yourself enough to share yourself . . . that you won't screw something up! I think we both don't trust ourselves to just BE, we're concerned someone will criticize us, and I also think it goes way back into childhood for both of us. And this has manifested itself in our relationships as adults, and most definitely with each other.

What's so unfortunate, in my view, is how long the road is going to be to recovery. And to not have someone to share that with is a depressing thought. Sure I have friends and family I can confide in, but that's not who I want to share it with. My best friend is my husband, and even though the trust level maybe isn't what it should be, there are so many things and insecurities I've shared with him that I haven't shared with anyone else. Losing a friend like that is like them dying. It's like part of me is going away and not only can I not control it, I'm afraid of what I'll be when it's gone.

Eventually I'll trust enough again to let someone else into my life. It's hard to imagine that, but in order to move on I guess it's how I have to think. I have to trust myself enough to let it happen!