So I've had even more time to think . . . as if I haven't had enough already. I went by myself to the lake for six days to just get away and try to make sure I'm on the right path. To assess if what I'm doing and how I'm thinking is what I really want. Thankfully, I came back more sure of myself than ever.

I do have to say it took me part of the first day just to realize I was there all by myself, that there was no one to talk to, but also -- no one to answer to. I could lay on the swing and read, have a nap, eat when I wanted, go for a run when I wanted or just do nothing. It's not often my life is like that -- all of my adult life I've been depended on by my husband and kids (and everyone else) to take care of things. I now realize though, that I took a lot of it on myself. I think I talked before about being the person that worried about everyone else . . . well I'm finding out that even though I have taken time to myself over the years, I have pampered myself when needed, I have gotten away for mini-vacations with the girls . . . I haven't REALLY worried about myself. Not to the depth that I should have maybe. My counselor said there's this book called the 5 Languages of Love. It's about the different ways that people show or display or prove their love to those around them. I still have to read it, but from what she said I tend to show love by doing a service for someone, so it makes sense that I've shown myself love predominantly the same way. But have I really loved myself? This is what I have to think more about.

So while I was doing my thing I read this book about love and how people get wrapped up in expectations, based on their beliefs and values, and how it can turn good things bad -- how it can turn pure love into a relationship neither person likes. The ring goes on, and all of a sudden things start to change. Maybe one person does one thing, the other person does/doesn't expect it, reacts, and the first person says, whoa . . . won't do that again. They don't ask if the assumption they've made is right or wrong, they don't ask the other person why they reacted they way they did . . . they just keep on going this way, often for years, without really communicating what is going on in their mind. And maybe one person tries to talk about it, tries to address it -- but if they never really get down to the root of what's going on, it never is resolved.  Years later the freight train hits something on the rails and it all falls apart. Okay, I've gotten off how "the book" says it . . . but it makes sense to me, and I can see how this has contributed to the relationship with my husband. I can see how it happens all the time to people all around the world, in all types of relationships.

The other thing this book talked about it how people have separate relationships with each person in their life. The relationship will have a certain depth depending on who it is, how much time you've spent together, what you've talked about. I have faith in the fact that I've shown people how I care for them in one way or another -- the problem comes when they don't understand something I've done or said, and . . . they don't ask. They don't question. They assume. They take it personally. And what can I do about that???  Absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want to do anything, but I feel like I'm trying too hard sometimes, and then I get down on myself about it. And that's what I've done for so many years -- beat myself up for what hasn't gone right, instead of maybe taking a step back and seeing how I could do it differently.

The challenge is actually seeing that what you're doing isn't working. Another book by this author talks about how the 'truth' to each individual is subjective; it's totally dependent on how you were raised, what your values and morals are, and then by what you've experienced and what results you've gotten in the past. But it takes an enlightened person, if you can call it that, to take a step outside of themselves and be objective. To look at themselves without judgment and see what they like about their life.

So I have the confidence now (even though it's always been there) to say that I like where I am in life, and it will go just where it should. I like myself! And that's the most important thing, isn't it?