I'm in a better mood today -- that said I can be on top of the world one day and in it's gutter the next. As a popular soap opera theme goes . . . . "these are the days of our lives". But does it have to be? Lately I'm more apt to just forget about the bad shit that's happened and try to stay on top. I guess it's something I've done my whole life, it comes naturally to me -- it hasn't always been easy, but it works.

I'm contemplating a change in careers, and on one hand it's SO exciting . . . on the other hand it's SO scary. It's not a total change, actually more of a shift, but it's still something I don't have experience in, and I always strive to excel at everything I do. I have to point out something . . . . . . . . I'm totally getting ahead of myself here. I've only just applied for the job!! But the way I am, I'm already contemplating what it will mean if I get it. I think I have a good chance -- I know the person currently doing the job, I have applicable experience and skills to get me started, and I'm great with people. Over the next week I'm going to do what my mother suggested and compile a list of pros and cons so I can logically think about the possibilities. Hmmm, wonder where I got the tendency to be ahead of myself? I guess our parents shape who we are, we can't help it -- the problem comes in when we don't like what we've become.

My husband doesn't seem to like what he's become, which unfortunately includes me. It's been hard to accept that without taking it personally. I understand there are things that have happened between us that obviously I had a part in, but in the end, I've only done things with love, in reaction to others, and in a way that I thought was best. I don't know if he thinks about it that way, we haven't gotten deep into that discussion yet. But I want to bring up how he was raised, how he's become what he is, and I get the sense he's not ready for that yet. I want to bring it up so I understand, and so he understands too. I know how my upbringing has made me what I am, and I have no doubt that that's the case for him too. He questions why I'm worried about him, why I don't just worry about myself . . . . I do, and I've spent many hours worrying. But it's not my nature to be totally selfish and not consider others too. Don't get me wrong, I can be totally selfish when it comes to some things -- but when it comes to those I love, I'm in it for all of us.

When I posted my last blog I was struggling to deal with a situation where someone I thought was a friend betrayed me. It's one thing to hear there's a rumor about you or someone you love -- it's quite another to have someone you thought you could confide in show they don't care at all. And when you're already dealing with uncertainty and changes, it doesn't help to find out someone close to you is a fraud! I'm over the initial shock and disappointment, probably because I realized they did it out of their own insecurity, their own doubts, and their own assumptions. I have no doubt as to who I am, who my husband is, and where my priorities lie.

And so, as always, I'll be just fine no matter what happens. On top of the world is where I'll choose to stay. Doesn't mean I won't check out the gutters, but I don't have to become a resident!